Weathered

Man, I need a change of perspective

Published on June 9, 2008 By srchofadream In Life Journals

Me…I'm rusted and weathered
Barely holding together
I'm covered with skin that peels and
it just won't heal

Man, today has been a rough day. Well, actually it has been a rough couple of years, no wait, actually it has been a rough 30 years! I don't know how to stop it but I feel a downward swirl of depression coming on. I can sense it in every way but I feel like I cannot stop it from coming. My therapist says I need to allow myself to "feel" negative, unwanted and unpleasant feelings rather than "stuffing" them as I am so accustomed. I learned a very long time ago, a wonderful and very useful coping mechanism that allows me to numb myself to feelings. The problem is, that the tool is no longer necessary nor useful. In fact, it is a royal pain in my ass. In all of the expertise I gained, I did not learn how to let the good feelings in while blocking the others out. My soul, body, and spirit crave those good feelings. So I am in a catch -22 I guess. If I allow myself to really feel all that is going on, I will definitely be uncomfortable. I have been waiting for a good time in life where I may be more able to open myself up to feeling. But for some reason, my life seems to be one episode of drama/chaos after another. When I try and allow myself to feel, I am TERRIFIED and completely OVERWHELMED with all of these feelings that I don't know what to do with.

I feel tired and worn out, as I said before, "rusted and weathered." I so want to give up and quit trying but there is so much more that I want out of life. It is just that some days are worse than others. I need a little release, a little comfort, affirmation that everything will work out, hope for the future, friends to stand beside me etc....Today, I have been unable to see or receive any of that. I am trying to tweak my perspective a bit, so that I can focus on the good things, hey at least I'm breathing right? No really, well I am breathing. I meant that there are other good things I just can't see around the big boulders of heartache and disappointment right now. I am hoping that tomorrow will be a better day w/ clearer skies!

Comments

RoyLevosh

on Jun 09, 2008

Try running. I run nearly 30 miles a week and it's been fantastic for me in clearing my mind of all those demons. And it sure beats the booze although the booze, I admit, was a whole lot more fun.

...most of the time.

srchofadream

on Jun 10, 2008

Very funny, the only time you could probably catch me running is if someone was chasing me w/ a car or a knife! Booze would be great if I didn't have an intense fear of alcoholism! It runs thickly in my family!

RoyLevosh

on Jun 10, 2008

Then I'm out of ideas. Good luck!

KellyW0498

on Jun 10, 2008

Hey there, I'm visiting you again. I think your story is relatable on a lot of levels. You see the trouble with chaos and drama is there comes a point when enough is enough. It doesn't matter if it's your doing or not, there will be a point when you are done and just can't take it.

Now, the trouble is it's gone on too long. Therefore, you avoid problems, drama, chaos by dismissing it, ignoring it, fixing the superficial things and the deep things just gets buried. You find your self medication in whatever form it is to escape the madness. It works, but only for a little while. After your seclusion and I think you have put in your time, you have to deal before you can live. I am not quite sure how to go about it, one step at a time I guess. When you get sick of the shit you will do what it takes. You sound as if you are getting sick of the shit. Yay! That's a great start.

I think you are doing something positive for yourself by writing, even if you don't share what you write. This will help you put things into perspective. It will help you see what you dwell on. You are off to a good start. You are brave to share your feelings like this. I know a lot of people can probably relate.

You know though, Roy has a good point. You might not like running, but find something that makes you break a sweat. All those fabulous exercise endorphins will renew you. Get out of your house or work if you can. I know it is corny but fresh air is a wonderful thing.

KellyW0498

on Jun 10, 2008

P.S. you aren't rusted and weathered, you are just getting broke in.

srchofadream

on Jun 11, 2008

Thanks. I am really trying to figure out how to change my perspective. I live with a "deficit" mentality. I am always longing for what I don't have and what I have is never enough. Any tips on how to do that?

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